Please enjoy your stay as you lose control and venture insane. You can thank Nonimportant on the way out after finding death between alives 16:12, 15 March 2008 (UTC) ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :QTF?I didn’t even do anything>_> You’re in a bucket. :Look outside Outside a sea rolls about your bucket floating, high waves sloshing about. Calm waters are about your bucket though, so that’s nice. :Look inside A mouse sits in a corner, playing a fiddle. It is quite calm, so I suppose it could be called a violin. Besides that, the metal is a very pale blue gray, with chalky white dust about it. The handle seems a little kinked though. :Talk to mouse The mouse is too intent on playing the fiddley violin to speak with mortals. :i Coin :Eat coin* You can’t eat the coin…duh. :Kill coin Come on…you’re not serious, are you? :Kill mouse Now that’s just plain mean. :Give mouse coin Now that’s a good try, but the shine attracts the mouse’s attention only enough for it to snicker at you before it resumes ignoring. :Get out of bucket Giving up hope, you find yourself in the sea. The bucket sinks as you fail to make a gracious leap, and the mouse drops its fiddley violin, angrilly. :Take fiddle You have the fiddley violin, and the mouse is glaring at you, angrilly. :Give mouse fiddle The mouse looks veers away, angrilly swimming away. :Swim after mouse The mouse seems to have dissappeared :Swim west Fatigue strikes,and you drown.

===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo The mouse seems to have dissappeared :Swim east… Fatigue strikes,and you drown. ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo The mouse seems to have dissappeared :…Swim north Fatigue strikes,and you drown. ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo The mouse seems to have dissappeared :*sigh,swim south…* You take a few strokes south and find yourself in ice. How many strokes make a few is not for you to ask, though you probably will want to inquire about the random submarine that quite quickly crashes through the ice cube. :QTF QTF is not a known command :Look at submarine The submarine is made of the same material as your bucket was, though not as chalky. There seems to be an alarm on it. :Press alarm Motion is felt in the submarine, though you don’t feel it since you are outside. A panel opens up and a lanky man sticks his head out.

“We already have maids, if you happen to be a mermaid. Right now we are trying to get our flute to work.”

The man pulls an arm through the small panel and offers you a bar of solid metal.

“Won’t make a sound if you blow on it, shame it is.” :Play fiddle You don’t have a bow :Called pizzicato,fool Oh, well then, the submariner opens another panel and you are quite surprised the water doesn’t rush inside the submarine with a wave.

“Merbard, eh? Come on in.” :Enter submarine You are inside the submarine. The submariner is here, smiling contently. :Is that it? No description? Error…uh…command not…recognized. :Okay then, kill the submariner “Yo! Are you crazy man? If you kill me, you’ll never get out of this submarine. I’m one of those important NPCs, so even if you try it again, some cosmical force will probably stop you from killing me.” :KILL THE SUBMARINER! You burst into flames. ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo, cheater You are inside the submarine. The submariner is here, smiling contently. :Talk to submariner “Hi, merbard. Do you want to ask me about something?” :Shit, I hate those “ask” conversations, what can I ask? Hey, I didn’t make this goddamned game. I’m only narrating it. :Ask submariner about submariner “Well, I don’t fancy talking about myself, I had a pa who just sat all day chittering about how awsome he was, so awsome that he was able to have three wives(including the cow, that is).” :Ask about cow wife “I’d advise you stop there, I’d rather not remember being told to dress up my cow mother for the party.” :Ask about asking Metasking is frowned upon, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. :Ask about submarine “I got this nice scrap off the Soviets when they tried getting a commoners reserve in 1701. Big mess, all this time flux stuff, best you don’t look into it. Anyways, after 4711, I was forgotten of here.” :Ask about time “08:15” :Ask about time flux “Ah, weird stuff it is. All in all, it ended me here. As I said, best you don’t look into. Anyways, you best do what you were allowed in to do. Fiddle that violin, and stop asking questions you don’t want the answers to.” :Play fiddle You find that playing a water logged fiddley violin is a hard thing to do, especially when you have never actually played a fiddle, nor a violin. However, the submariner doesn’t seem to mind and soon enough is dancing around to your horrible beat of plucking random strings.

“Ah, your music reminds me of my home in Waikikamukau.”

There is a crash, and you snap the E string.

“Strangle the butterfish, grapple the rungs and slap on some suntan lotion, I think we’ve hit land!” :Strangle the butterfish,grapple the rungs and slap on some suntan lotion You find this hard to do, butterfish don’t exist, the submarine is quite smooth and it would seem there isn’t any suntan lotion.

The submariner pulls out a random pipe, and looks into it. Unfortunately, it would seem it has been some time since he last took a look through it and thus he finds himself struck by highly lethal spiders.

“GET THE FLAME THROWER!!!” :Find flamethrower You toss a few books aside, and a maid throws them out the window before jumping out herself. You soon find the flamethrower, while the submariner seems to be holding off the spiders with a magic trick involving the removal of an eye. :Use flamethrower You don’t have a flamethrower. :Get flamethrower Get is not a known command :TAKE THE FRIKEN FLAMETHROWER I understood you as far as wanting to take something. :Take flame thrower You now have a flamethrower. :Use flame thrower on spiders You find they burn nicely,releasing their toxins into the air as they evaborate into nothingness.

The submariner seems to be in pain, it would seem he really did take out an eye. :Jump out submarine You jump out the submarine, leaving the submariner to die in pain because you’re a self centered jerk :Climb back in submarine You climb back into the submarine where a fire seems to be burning the white chalk and your head feels like it is imploding into itself. Wow, only an idiot would come back here. :Push submariner out of window The submariner falls out the window, screaming about dropping his eye. You look down, it is sitting at your foot. :Take eye Wow, you really think you are going to need some person’s rotting eye they foolishly pulled out in an attempt to trick killer spiders? Whatever, just know you can only have so many things(8)and that an eye takes just as much space as that fiddley violin of yours. :Jump out submarine Too late, you find the fumes are too strong for you. ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo Wow, you really think you are going to need some person’s rotting eye they foolishly pulled out in an attempt to trick killer spiders? Whatever, just know you can only have so many things(8)and that an eye takes just as much space as that fiddley violin of yours. :Undo Hey, who said you could do that? :Nobody^______________________^

_>

The submariner falls out the window, screaming about dropping his eye. You look down, it is sitting at your foot. :Jump out submarine You jump out of the submarine, and being an idiot who picks up eyeballs, you find yourself on fire. BURN BITCH! :Jump in water The flames find it hard to survive in ice cold water, as do you. However, the submariner drags you to shore(I tried to tell him not to, but who listens to me?) :Thank submariner “Ah well, you saved me so figured I should too, specially since you could have left me the first time.”

You find it quite repulsive, as a large trail of blood is draining from his empty eye socket. Would seem he has passed out, though the reasons why are quite numerous. :Take submariner You pick him up and hoist him over your shoulder :Look around You twirl around pretty fast, so everything is fuzzy. However, it would seem the water is very green and the land is very white, as it would seem to be a flat barren island of permafrost. :How original, a barren landscape. Sheesh, too lazy to create a large number of NPCs? Oh very well, I guess you didn’t notice the ice farm to the west. :W Here I am, narrating you paragrah upon paragrah and and you can’t even NOT use one-letter-directions? Sheesh, would it hurt you players to write “west” for once? And I make less than one thousand a month. Whatever, you head over to the farm and are stopped when a shotgun tells you someone likes their property. :Shotguns are so overused… Better stop it with the snarky comments or I’ll make this turn into an AIF, now stop interacting with me, fool. :Plea with farmer The farmer is an old kook, who seems to stay in shape by picking out blocks of permafrost.

“What ye get with me property, laddie?” :Uh…what? “I am sorry, my good sir, but you see, this particular scene of the game calls for a rather paranoid Scottish farmer. Now, if you don’t mind, ask me questions.” :Farmer, where the HELL am I? “I am not su…uh, net sur’ laddie, net sur’ at all. With all th’ ice an’ steff, I’d say Nerth Pele, seven hundred kilometers and four hundred meters off th’ coast of Greenland.” :Farmer, So, what’s a scottish farmer doing in North Pole, off the coast of Greenland? “…sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” :Ask farmer about greenland “Discevered by these freaking vikings, aye.” :Ask farmer about Scotland “Me homeland, th’ eld Scotia, laddie.” :Ask farmer about North Pole “It’s sea depth be abeut 4087 meters” :Ask farmer about Scottish “We wear skirts, aye.” :Sigh, Ask farmer about permafrost You sigh, frustrated. “I’m getting permafrost to build me boat.” :Ask farmer about boat “The boat I’m building te ge beck te me beleved Scetland, aye. Only need one more block.”

The farmer lowers a brow, and notices the submariner on your shoulder before you even remember you’re carrying him.

“Who be tht me lad?” :Farmer, some submariner who tore out one of his eyes. Care to lend him some ice? “Aye, tht be bad. He’ll ned me last block of ice fer dat wund. Sham the seson just a over” :Give farmer submariner The farmer is nice enough to take the submariner under his care, and be stuck on an isolated island of ice for another year. Too bad you can’t even spare a few seconds.

The farmer slams the door in your face. :Knock There is no response. :Look at house There is no house :Look at farm The farm is a vast field of ice, with cuts in it. The usable ice is gone now, as it has been farmed. :Look at door A door stands in the cold, alone. Looking around it, you see that the farmer has a hole dug into the ground beside a pile of ice. He has a small bed in the corner, and a cot. He also has a large fire burning, though the smoke is being taken into some chute. :Look at fire The fire seems to defy many laws of thermodynamics by burning the fuel of nothing. :Thermodynamics? A book of physics appears out of nowhere, probably thanks to the superstrings, or maybe sliding through a plane section of the curved space, though time-travel cannot be disregarded. :Take book, read book You take the book of physics.

Glancing through the pages of the book you learn everything that there is to know about everything. Though you still don’t know what probabilities are useful for. :Think Within 4.564 seconds you successfully disprove every theory of quantum physics. Now you just need somewhere to write it down. :Put out fire You deliver a successful speech explaining to the fire that its very existence goes against various laws of thermodynamics. The fire, unable to give you a good counterargument, is forced to snuff out of existence. :Enter chute You enter the chute. It is dark in here. You are likely to be eaten by an albino specimen of the golden lion tamarin. :WTF? I thought I already mentioned this command is not recognized. :Exit chute You can’t, you are dead…oh, wait, did I forget to mention that you were eaten? Oh, sorry. ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo Well,since I forgot to mention it and all,I’ll start where you actually died…

You enter the chute. It is dark in here. You are likely to be eaten by an albino specimen of the golden lion tamarin. :GTFO You clamper out pretty fast, into a shotgun. The farmer is staring at you with anger.

“I spent years debating that fire into existence, now you telling me I ain’t got it no more?” :Change topic by asking farmer what happened to his accent “No fire, no accent.” :Tell farmer that the fire ran up the chute The farmer shoves you to the side instantly, and swiftly finds himself in the dark.

A moment passes…

Screams…

Shotgun firing…

More screams…

A bloody carcass falls out of the chute, the shotgun would seem to be snapped in half. :Take shotgun You take the horribly bent shotgun. :Look at carcass The carcass is that of a tamarin, though the hole in its stomach shows parts of a person. It would seem the farmer was pleasant enough to defeat the albino specimen of the golden lion tamarin while being consumed. :Enter chute It is dark, but you feel no danger. :Climb up chute Abandoning the submariner, again, you find yourself poking your head out of a rabbit hole. :Exit rabbit hole You climb out of it before looking about your surroundings. You nearly trip on a branch, as you don’t know what is around you. :Look about The landscape is quite offset, with green hills beyond a red river of…blood? Whatever, at least it isn’t cold. You do find that the pointy hills that aren’t as tall as the green hills have icy tops, but who says you have to climb them? Besides that, you may be more inclined to note the tree you are under. It would appear to have a nest on the lower branches, and a rabbit glaring at you from behind the hole. :Damn, they just can’t lay off being mad at me,eh? It will suffice that I ignore that comment. :Take Rabbit You take the rabbit :w 123.34 baby rabbits attack you, with savage intensity. Their bloodthirsty onslaught erase any memories about happiness you ever had. You now only know pain. PAIN! :Kill rabbits You kill a rabbit. Only 122.34 to go. Meanwhile…You beg the higher powers for the sweet release of death. :KILL RABBITS! You kill a rabbit. Only 121.34 to go. Meanwhile…their slow and sadistic ravage continues. :Kill all the fuckin’ rabbits! I only understood you as far as wanting to kill. Hey, why don’t you use that flamethrower? Just a hint. :Shit. I had forgot it…uh…use flamethrower Your revenge is swift and deadly. The furry spawn of hell burn to death, as you smile, but only outside. Inside, this experience profoundly traumatizes you. You will never love again, and you also acquire a unbearable fear of everything made of porcelain. Oh, and the flamethrower is out of gas and seems to of imploded. :Oh great. Can I also hold my breath for ten minutes? What you’re talking about? No one can hold their breath for ten minutes. That’s just crazy. Besides, the rabbit you took is still glaring at you. :Kill rabbit You pull off its throat, as the jerk you are, and laugh as it drains of blood. :w You head on west some more, and find the path is blocked by the mouse. His fur is quite wet, and he looks like he has a cold. But by all means, he points a finger at you.

“Taking me fiddle and busking as a merbard, I aughta challenge thee to triple three!”

As much as you don’t understand the meaning of triple three, you do hope to not find out what it means. :e You just walk away, while the mouse pulls out a violin that glows with the composition of energy. Electric notes vibrate through your head, and you soon find yourself awakened in a bucket, floating down the bloody river.

“We end this now, or we both come out dead. Now play me a tune I can’t match or I’ll play you a tune you can’t live!”

Yes, this mouse is quite diligent of this odd idea, as can be seen by his many exclamations. :Fiddle the violin You fiddle a tune of…that pizzicato. The mouse is quite unimpressed, and soon he fiddles your same tune, but with a level of soul you could never match. :Pull out shotgun That is going to be hard to do, being that you are holding a violin. :Drop violin Dropped. :Pull out shotgun The mouse stops playing as he hears the bent shotgun readied for fire.

“Fool! If you fire that, you’ll blow yourself out of the bucket!” :Fire The mouse is blasted apart, yourself is flying high in the air, the shotgun dropped in shock of the force.

You soon fall into the bloody river, and are pulled out into the bloody sea. Zombie rabbits raise above the blood, their eyes having decayed long ago. Before you know it, they have signed with you a contract of zombification, but since that still counts as being dead… ===/== -YOU ARE DEAD, NOOB- ===== Do you want to restart, restore or undo your last action? :Undo The mouse stops playing as he hears the bent shotgun readied for fire.

“Fool! If you fire that, you’ll blow yourself out of the bucket!” :Wait Time passes, the mouse looks about. You sit waiting until finally you are asleep, a lullaby playing from the sounds of high pitch strings.

You awaken along the plane of time. An old woman writes in a book, cackling as she rereads her work. :Ask woman about book The old woman looks over at you, and raises a brow.

“This is my book of words meant unspoken.” :Ask about words The woman cackles.

“Well, they are at most 5 letters of length, but unpronouncible to the degree that at no point in time, how ever finite or infinite, shall they be spoken so.” :Ask woman to say one She frowns.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that. For even if I could, the very threads of time would snap.”

A rage fills you, your inner jerk wants to know what can snap the threads of time. :SMACK THAT FOOL! I understood you as far as wanting to smack something :Smack woman Being a male supremacist, you backhand the woman’s head off. Being as old as time, her neck didn’t really need that much force to dislodge in the first place. Oh well… :Read book You look down at the book, and read XYZZY.

NOTHING HAPPENS :Read more You flip through random 69105 phrases pretty fast, seems the woman was testing out every combination she could think of. Finally, you strike PLUGH.

WHIRL WHIRL WHIRL SPAMZ ONOEZ GREEN YELOW WHERE FALIN DYING UBOAT

You fall upon a horribly set yellow and green carpet, a plate of spam in front of you. The submariner sits at a table, also eating spam.

“You’ve done some weird things, I must say. I thought I told you not to get into this whole time mess, but it would seem you couldn’t resist the plughole. Anyhow, we’re flying down from the end to the start. I figure you might want to get off at your stop, it should be here in about…”

You wait for the submariner’s next words, but he takes a bite of spam instead.

“…ah yes, we are in temporal flux. That means that time isn’t of being. So your stop is now, then or then. Anyways, I think I’ll be getting off now.”

In a flash the submariner is gone. :Look outside A glance outside would seem to indicate you being in a whirlpool. Go figure, being left in this mess. :Eat spam It tastes delicious. :Get out You go to the door of the submarine, and open the door. Odd, there is nothing outside. :Am I out? Well, we are now past the time at which you ceased existence when you entered nothing. And since going nowhere doesn’t count as an action, you did nothing. It’s impossible to undo nothing.